In Confessions 1.5.5, St. Augustine addresses God with a paradoxical statement: noli abscondere a me faciem tuam: moriar, ne moriar, ut eam videam (“Do not hide your face from me. Let me die, lest I die, in order that I may see it”). What does it mean?

For some possibilities, see James J. O’Donnell’s note ad loc. Even better is Gillian Clark’s note, in which she interacts with O’Donnell. She writes:

noli abscondere a me faciem tuam: moriar, ne moriar, ut eam videam ‘do not hide your face from me: let me die in order to see it, lest I should die [for ever, by not seeing it].’ O’D[onnell] compares Sermon 231.3.3….’he who is not yet dead and has not yet risen again still lives badly; and if he lives badly, he does not live; let him die, lest he die. What is this: let him die, lest he die? Let him change, lest he be damned.’ He interprets as ‘let me die [to sin], so that I may see your face, lest I die [without hope of redemption].’

Curiously, I don’t find O’Donnell saying that in so many words, though I do think that is the correct interpretation.

Does St. Augustine have a predecessor for the idea? Maybe. The phrase is exceedingly rare, with anything like it occurring only once before late antiquity, as far as I can discover.

That single occurrence is in Martial, Epigrams 2.80. Here is what Martial says:

Hostem cum fugeret, se Fannius ipse peremit.
     Hic, rogo, non furor est, ne moriare, mori?

When fleeing from his enemy,

    Poor Fanny did himself in.

But isn't this insanity--

    To die to keep from dyin'?[1]

If any source exists for St. Augustine’s phrase, this could be it, though, if so, the resonance has been quite drastically altered. Martial’s Fannius commits suicide to avoid imminent death at the hands of an enemy. St. Augustine prays that he would die to self now to avoid eternal death at the hands of a just judge. And between dying to self and dying by self there is a great chasm.

There is one other candidate, the fourth-century translator of Josephus we call “Pseudo-Hegesippus,” which has sometimes been attributed to St. Ambrose.

In a speech of Josephus in Book 3, we read:

Sed suave adseritis mori pro libertate. Quis negat et illud? Tamen dulce vivere cum libertate. Nam qui amicitiam offert libertatem promittit. Quodsi servitutem inferat, tunc erit certe oportunior moriendi voluntas si oportuerit mori. Nunc autem vitam offerunt, nolunt occidere. Timidus autem est et qui non vult mori quando oportet, et qui vult quando non oportet. Quis enim ignorat femineae libertatis esse et muliebris formidinis, ne moriare, mori velle?

But you declare that it is pleasant to die for freedom. In fact, who denies that? Nevertheless, it is sweet to live with freedom. For he who offers friendship promises freedom. But if he inflicts slavery, then the wish to die will certainly be more suitable if it will have been suitable to die. But now they offer life, they do not wish to kill. But both he who does not wish to die when it is suitable, and he who wishes to die when it is not suitable, are timid. For who does not know that it is characteristic of a feminine freedom and a womanly fear to want to die, lest you die?^[2]

Pseudo-Hegesippus actually has Josephus quote Martial directly (though without acknowledging that he is doing so)–a fascinating moment in its own right and one deserving of further consideration.

Is it possible that this is St. Augustine’s source for the phrase? Yes, it is. In fact, there are at least five possibilities. (1) St. Augustine alludes to Martial directly. (2) St. Augustine alludes to Pseudo-Hegesippus. (3) St. Augustine alludes to Martial through Pseudo-Hegesippus. (4) St. Augustine recalls a phrase from one of these texts without intending any reference to them. (5) St. Augustine had not read, or was not thinking of, or was not–even “accidentally”–echoing either text. The last of these seems to me the least likely. (4) may be correct, but I’m not sure. I would like to know more about St. Augustine’s potential use of Marial and Pseudo-Hegesippus.

Coda

St. Augustine’s own phrasing was adopted shortly afterwards by St. Paulinus of Nola. Between 395 and 407, Paulinus wrote a series of poems for the feast day of St. Felix (January 14) called the Natalicia. At the end Natalicium 10 (lines 318-25), written for 404, we find this:

Vita prior pereat, pereat ne vita futura.
Sponte relinquamus mundum, non sponte carendum,
sponte nisi fugimus; moriamur, ne moriamur;
letalem vitam vitali morte tegamus.
Terrena intereat, subeat caelestis imago,
et Christo vertatur Adam; mutemur et istic,
ut mutemur ibi; qui nunc permanserit in se
idem, et in aeternum non inmutabitur a se.

Let the first life perish, lest the future life perish.
Let us leave the world behind willingly, not to be abandoned willingly,
Unless we flee willingly; let us die, lest we die;
Let us cover over deadly life with living death.
Let the earthly image depart, let the heavenly one come,
And let Adam turn to Christ; and let us be changed here,
In order to be changed there. He who will now remain in himself
The same will also not be changed from himself forever.

It’s wonderful stuff. St. Augustine, despite his worries about poetry, makes for great poetry.